Hogwarts Tinder
by actuallyobama
Summary: Harry Potter, hero of Hogwarts, is educated in the ways of Hogwarts Tinder to get his dick wet JK Rowling owns these characters and settings. We no longer stan her so I'm making this to completely disrespect her characters lmao Rated M for hardcore ahegao tentacle cross dressing smut
1. Introduction

Harry Potter was having some trouble. Here he was: king of Hogwarts, vanquisher of Voldemort and his cronies, and he couldn't get laid. Of course, he had discovered the mastrus charm like every other teen boy at Hogwarts, which allowed him the feeling of personal closeness but inevitably ended in sadness. No, he wanted some real action.

"Real action, you say?" Came a voice from his left. Yanking himself rapidly out of his imagination, he noticed that he'd missed a turn a corridor back and was in a part of the castle that he had never explored before. "Well?" Again, the voice.

Harry looked. In a portrait on the wall sat a witch. And not just a "female magician" type witch either, he thought. No, this was a stereotypical cackler with a long nose hunched over a cauldron.

"Excuse me but... who are you? And-" Realization struck him then. "Can you read minds?"

"Well, I'm the cunt witch, o'course! Haven't yae ever heard of ol' cunty?"

Flabbergasted, Harry responded, "No, mrs... um, are you calling yourself a cunt?"

"Why yes!" Replied the Cunt Witch. I's got me a dastardly habit o' sneakin' about in the thoughts of the passerby and offerin' life advice. Often, people walk away thinkin, 'cunt'. I actually named meself!"

"That's nice," said Harry. "I suppose if you've read my mind and offer advice maybe you'd be able to give me some? I'm trying to get some action, if you get what I'm saying." The witch nodded thoughtfully. Harry paused for a moment before continuing on. "I've just had so many hormones, ever since, um..."

"Yar night wit Mrs. Weasley!" The Cunt Witch picked up. "Yae were stayin' o'er at thar house an' she... giggled at your joke? That's it?"

"I mean if you put it like that," Harry replied abashedly, "but there's a lot of context that you're..."

"Never mind all that. I'm going to give you some important advice that will help you greatly in your quest. Get out your wand, and say 'cellulus'. This is a spell that will create a temporary smart phone that isn't affected by the magic here. Once you've done that, install Tinder from the app store. You'll find a thriving community of, shall we say, like minded witches and wizards."

"Thanks, Cunty Witch! Say, what happened to your accent?"

Cunt Witch's eyes bugged out. "Can it be? has my curse been lifted after all of this time?"

"What's your curse?" Harry replied. "Do you no longer have to read people's minds?"

"What? Of course not. Right now you're thinking about how baloney and urine have the same taste, which... ew, why? But no the curse that was lifted is far greater than that. I'm no longer Scottish!" And with that Harry took his leave.

A/N Thanks for reading the first chapter of Hogwarts Tinder! This is my 3rd time trying to write on , and the first two times got toxic and stressful real quick so I'm going to try to keep this account light and fun. This story will primarily be smut and humor, with a bit of a plot but I'm going to try to avoid writing any chapters except for this one without at least a little bit of rabbit fucking. See you soon! 


	2. Harry x Helen

Safe in his empty dormitory, Harry finally felt comfortable testing out the charm. "Cellulus!" Just like the Cunt Witch had said, a smartphone appeared in his hands, lighter than air but still very real.

Harry followed the instructions he had been given and was soon at the Tinder home screen. After going through the process of creating his account, he was greeted by the realization that he had no idea what to write in his bio. He decided on a two thousand word essay made up entirely of sexual haikus.

I beat Voldemort

I then came all over his corpse

How about you next?

Death Eaters be gone

I absorbed all their essence

Let it enter you

My grandpa ate cum

I'm keeping up the tradition

I'll pass it on to you

Perfect, Harry thought. Now time to get matching.

Harry opened the matching page and was immediately greeted by a cute girl grinning at him. Helen, Harry thought, from Ravenclaw. She was a year younger than him and from what he had seen tended to be very shy. That information led him to a stunning suprise, however, as Helen's image came to life, giggled, and pulled quickly pulled up her spaghetti-strap top for him to see. Now, Harry had seen porn before. Normal devices, of course, didn't work inside Hogwarts, but Dean had snuck some old school Playboy magazines back from the Muggle world and shared them around in Griffindor. At the time, it was the best experience of Harry's life, but it didn't even come close to the magic (lmao) of seeing someone that you personally know expose themselves to you. And she was right within his grasp! Eagerly, Harry swiped right.

Immediately, Harry noticed that Helen has swiped right on him too. In fact, so had a bunch of other girls. Strange, Harry thought, but right now he was focused on his prize.

HarryP: Hi

HelenG: Hey

HarryP: Your profile pic was interesting

HelenG: omg whatd she do this time noo

HarryP: Why, are you and her not on the same page lol

HelenG: depends on what she did cutie

HarryP: Flashed me her- your? that's confusing. Anyway she flashed her tits

HelenG: oh wow she and i are light years apart then oops

HarryP: that sucks, I was excited for a sec

HelenG: yeah

HelenG: she only did about 10% of what id do to you

Harry's heart skipped a beat at that. He'd normally had troubles talking to girls at Hogwarts, but being online made the whole experience so much easier. Plus, he was only ten minutes in and he was closer than he'd ever been to getting some. In a rush of confidence, Harry texted:

HarryP: Why dont you prove it? RoR, 11 oclock

HelenG: I cant wait daddy

Wow.

Nine hours later, Harry pulled on his Invisibility Cloak and set off for the Room of Requirement. With a spring in his step from excitement and a slightly different gait than usual from arousal, Harry walked past the blank stretch of wall three times and a door appeared. With cautious optimism, Harry pushed it open and peeked inside.

And there she was. Wearing the same top as she was in her picture, Helen sat on a king size bed in the corner of the room. She started and turned around when the door opened, and Harry quickly removed the Cloak to calm her.

Upon seeing Harry, Helen blushed deeply and hid her face. Harry moved toward her quickly. "What's wrong?" He asked, nervously. It seemed like Helen was the same shy girl in person, regardless of how she acted over text. Harry reached out and put a hand on her shoulder to comfort her.

Helen looked up at him, eyes full of nothing but fear. Then, suddenly, a shift came over her. She grinned and pulled Harry backwards onto the bed, herself falling backwards so Harry was on top of her. Harry's heart rate spiked as his cock brushed against Helen's pelvis as she pulled him into his first kiss.

Pulling away, Harry let out a deep breath. "Wow," he said. "You're a good actress."

Helen giggled. "There are other things I'm better at," she whispered, pulling Harry's left hand forward and placing it on her breast. "Go on, get a good feel," Helen said.

Harry happily obliged, squeezing her left tit and running his thumb over her covered nipple. No bra, he noticed. Helen distracted him from this line of thinking, however, by running a hand down Harry's chest and ending up between his legs. Reaching into his sweatpants, she gently caressed Harry's dick and pulled him into a deep tongue kiss.

Still groping Helen, Harry began thrusting into Helen's hand in a vain attempt to accentuate his pleasure. Helen immediately pulled back. "Oh no," she said, her voice suddenly forceful. "If you're going to feel pleasure, it's going to happen on my terms." Harry was blindsided by this sudden development but took it in stride.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," he barked back. Extricating himself from Helen's chest, Harry grabbed her hands away from his chest and pants and pulled them above her head. Keeping them bound tight with one hand, Harry pulled Helen's shirt above her head and quickly wound it around her hands, binding them together. Helen immediately fought back and struggled to escape her bonds but her grin let Harry know that she was alright with the current order of things.

Capitalizing on Helen's moment of weakness, Harry unbuttoned her jeans and stuck a hand inside of them, pulling them forcefully to her ankles. Accidentally, he brushed against her panties and was surprised by the noticeable wetness, and even more so by Helen's moan. Harry decided that it was a happy accident and asked, "If I get to work down there will you stop resisting?" Helen nodded.

Harry wasted no further time and maneuvered himself down her body so he was face to face with her barely clothed pussy. Helen's thin white underwear left little to the imagination by default, and soaked as they currently were Harry could see the faint outline of her clit. He reveled in the scent for a few moment longer before bending over and placing a kiss on the outside of her panties. Pulling back for a second, Harry licked his lips. He liked what he tasted.

Diving back down with the fervor of kid on Halloween at a house where they left out a bowl of candy, and the bowl had a sign that said "one per person please," and the kid took like three but then their friends goaded them into taking like the entire bowl, Harry began frantically kissing and sucking on Helen's soaked pussy. Helen dug her fingers into Harry's hair and tightened her hands into fists as Harry bypassed the final layer protecting her vulnerable clitoris from the cold air inside the Room of Requirements. Harry blew a cold breath of air onto Helen's outer folds and she inhaled sharply as the frigid air contacted her juices, making her pussy tingle like she'd combined mint gum with water down there. Harry quickly compensated for her chill, however, and dove right back in towards her inner thigh with his mouth, sucking on it as his hand explored her entrance.

Harry moved in and began eating Helen's pussy, her legs wrapped around his back and her juices running down his chin. He settled into his stride with his lips on her opening and his tongue moving around and poking inside. His left hand was wrapped up around Helen's thigh and his thumb was fiddling with the top of her clitoris. His right hand was settled on her stomach.

Harry wasn't being pleasured himself but just listening to Helen was making him irrationally happy to the point where it no longer mattered. As time passed with his face continuously buried in her pussy, Helen's breathing became faster and more shaky. She continued to pull her fingers through his hair, kneading it and pulling hard or making a fist when he hit her sweet spot. Harry came up for air and she lifted her head in disappointment, but was quickly satisfied as Harry pushed a finger into her pussy. She clenched around him and her legs spasmed and tightened around Harry's neck as he moved his way up her body and began kissing her neck and playing with her breasts with his free hand.

Harry moved up again and brushed his lips against Helen's. They flitted their tongues against each other for a few seconds before Harry pulled back an inch. Watching her squirm and feeling her short hot breaths on his lips, Harry was the happiest he'd ever been.

Soon, Helen began to whimper as Harry kept rubbing the outside of her pussy. He gave up on fingering her inside and focused solely on rubbing her sensitive clit, and Helen's moans and shaking became more pronounced as he drew her closer to orgasm. Soon, she was mere seconds from cumming. Pushing Harry off of her, Helen sat up in the bed and moved her own left hand to her clitoris and her right to her breast, finishing herself off in the best way possible from her years of experience. She let out one final, prolonged moan as she reached her tipping point. She pushed her middle finger inside of herself quickly as her pussy spasmed and tightened, using a technique that she'd discovered a month ago to prolong her orgasms. When she had finally finished, she collapsed backward, exhausted.

A minute later, Helen sat up and noticed Harry standing by the foot of the bed, beating himself off. "Oh no you don't," she said, a touch out of breath. "I'm hungry!" She slid over to him and dangled her legs off the bed before sliding her hands over Harry's on his erect shaft. He took the hint and let go. Helen looked a bit apprehensively at his cock. At 7 inches it was the biggest she'd seen yet, and she'd had some trouble fitting 6 inches into her mouth before without teeth getting involved. However, Helen had gotten some experience since then, and she was hopeful as she took his tip in her mouth and began stroking his shaft with both hands.

Harry let out a long breath as Helen moved her tongue under the head of his cock. Noticing this, Helen began licking his dick at a higher speed, working her tongue around the head of his cock and moving her head forward a couple of inches so she had more length to work with. Harry moved his right hand off of the back of Helen's head and pulled one of Helen's hands down to his balls, where she eagerly took up her new task and fondled them gently as she began moving her head further and further onto Harry's monster.

Five inches in, Helen gagged and pulled back, trailing saliva between her mouth and Harry's now-throbbing cock. She laid back for a moment, catching her breath. Harry was deep into his pleasure, though, and wasn't about to let her get away and eradicate all of her hard work. He pounced on top of her and, with his hand behind Helen's head, began skullfucking her quickly and shallowly. Helen was exhausted but tried valiantly to maximize his pleasure, circling his cock with her tongue.

Harry's orgasm was building, Helen's feeble but noble tongue movements pushed him over the edge. His orgasm caught him on the way out and he shot his first rope hard into the top of Helen's mouth. He kept up his outward motion and his next rope caught Helen on the lips. As he tried to force his way back into her mouth to contain the mess, he inadvertently popped his cock out of her mouth and sent his next load onto her left cheek from her lips to her hair. At that point he said fuck it and stroked his cock, shooting off two more quick ropes, one on her neck and another on her lips. Finally, there were only a few drips left, and Helen took his cock in her mouth to coax them out. He pulled out of her and observed his masterpiece, and nearly got hard again as Helen breathed out and let some of his cum drizzle out onto her lips and chin. Not one to waste a good meal, however, Helen caught the cum on the tip of her finger and brought it back to her mouth, where she sucked it off sensually while making eye contact with Harry.

"Come, get in with me," Helen said. She flipped around and gave Harry a great view of her cute ass as she crawled toward the pillows at the top of the bed. Harry obliged and laid down next to her, pushing his body into her turned back. He gently caressed her figure and breasts as they both calmed their breathing. Together, they drifted off to sleep, with Harry's right hand on Helen's waist and his left hand intertwined with hers.

**A/N Thanks for reading! A few notes- I'm going to try to write this story way more realistically than anything else I've seen from this fandom, so no DD breasts and 10 inch dicks, sorry. Also, I'm thinking about having every chapter switch perspective to whoever the last main character sleeps with (so we would follow Helen until the end of the next chapter, when we would follow Seamus or someone. Let me know what you think about both of those ideas in the comments!**


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